Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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