Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
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