The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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