woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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