so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
