I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
