dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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