Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
