I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
