Your face is a jimmy john
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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