i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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