he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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