i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
