if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
