I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
