I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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