My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
