I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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