The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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