my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
