They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
