Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
