my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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