I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
