dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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