I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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