Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
