You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
