I like to think it a success when the cops are called
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
