There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
