Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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