Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
