Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
