Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
