"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
