I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Are my feet made of real feet?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
