My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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