yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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