there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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