Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
