My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize