I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
