Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
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