in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
