I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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