He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
