I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
