I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
