I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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