They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
