i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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