Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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