just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
