She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I got inside last night via doggy door
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
