the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
