Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
