I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
