Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
