If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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